Ending the War on Me

This is a talk I gave to my church on my own personal story of healing in January of 2017.

Luke 9:47-48

Jesus, knowing their thoughts, took a little child and had him stand beside him. Then he said to them, "Whoever welcomes this little child in my name welcomes me; and whoever welcomes me welcomes the one who sent me. For it is the one who is least among you all who is the greatest."

I’ve been waging a war on myself for most of my life. I have disliked and been ashamed of parts of who I am. I’ve been cruel to myself, lacked compassion for myself, and greatly misjudged who and what I am. As most of us do. And I do that pretty much every day. And for the longest time I had no awareness of this war.

It’s no wonder we wage war on ourselves. We live in a culture that says – if you don’t like yourself then just change it. We pretend that it's that simple. Get rid of the old you and get a new you. Get rid of your anger, let go of your sadness. Be happy instead. Be joyful. Our culture says that we need to get rid of anything that doesn’t feel good or isn’t pleasurable.

Most of us try to live by this. We judge every aspect of our ourselves and our experience. We think in black and white, we think in opposites – we label good and bad. We label that part of ourselves we don’t like as bad and then set a goal to get rid of whatever that “bad” thing is. We decide we don’t like the bad thing, don’t want the bad thing, and work to get rid of it.

We label emotions as negative and positive. Which is a falsehood. Emotions are neither negative or positive, good or bad. That’s a lie we’ve learned from our culture. Emotions are given to us from God. They are all part of the experience God has provided for us. They teach us lessons and grow us to our highest good. But whenever a challenging emotion shows up inside us we try to push it away and exchange it for a neutral one or a positive one. Something pleasurable.

We do this with other people too. Whenever a loved one or even a stranger experiences a challenging emotion we try to take it away from them. We try to fix them. We tell them don’t be sad. Be happy. Be joyful. When in actuality it isn’t our place to take away someone else’s experience.

Then we wonder why more often than not nothing substantial really changes. We're still angry, still sad, and still unhappy. When we push away emotions either by attempting to distract ourselves, use alcohol or busy ourselves it never works. The emotion will always come back and more often then not it will return more intensely and painfully. Then we try more healthy ways to get rid of the pain. Then ultimately we wonder “Why do I still feel this way?” I’ve tried everything. I’ve forgiven. I went to church. I went to therapy. I did the 12 step program. Why do I still feel this way? Why do I still act this way?

These statements are incredibly cruel to our own being- incredibly violent towards our self. That’s the war. There is no compassion there. There can be found no grace there. There is no healing in that space. As humans we are in constant war with ourselves and our present experience. And that separation from present moment cannot bring healing. Separation is at the root of suffering. 

So how then do we heal? How do we change? How do we transform?

That’s the million dollar question right there. If we could answer that we’d put cigarettes, alcohol, and drugs out of business.

There’s certainly a  lot of theories out there on it. Some people want to smack you upside the head with Jesus. Some people will tell you to meditate. Some people will tell you to let go of judgement. Some people will tell you to go backpacking through India or Europe. And then some people are scientologists... People travel all over the world and pay a lot of money asking these questions of different therapists, spiritual leaders, pastors, gurus, shamans, free thinkers, and Oprah.

But despite all the theories most of us still ask the questions “Why aren’t I healed yet? Why do I still feel this way? Why aren't I over this? What's wrong with me? What is wrong with me? What is wrong with me?

I was asking myself those questions a great deal this past fall when I was going through a very rough time. I actually called it my quarter life crisis for a couple days until I realized it was potentially the greatest gift God had ever given me. So I decided to refer to it as my quarter life awakening instead. Still thoroughly dramatic but more positive and much more accurate. 

So I’m going to take you back a little bit in my life, so you have some context to where I’m personally coming from. When I was 19 I was diagnosed with Post traumatic Stress disorder. I was depressed, I was anxious, I was not sleeping, I was self harming, and I was having suicidal thoughts. I’d also somehow managed to get myself into a very very unhealthy relationship. All things nobody would have ever expected from me. Perfect little Alison.

When we think of PTSD we tend to think of war vets or a rape victim. We tend to think of someone who was in a near death experience. But none of that had ever happened to me. Trauma can be more insidious than that. It can hide better than that. Trauma can be as simple as just witnessing your parents fight. It’s really anything that kicks in the fight or flight mode and it’s often something that happens repeatedly so that it changes your brains neural pathways and structure. And the more these tiny incidents of trauma occur the more easily your body goes into fight or flight in the future.

I didn’t see myself as someone who had been through trauma. Yet trauma and chaos were all I really knew as a kid. But as a child, I didn’t understand that. Most days growing up in my home were incredibly tense. My brother, being Autistic, was extremely volatile. He did not have the capacity to regulate his emotions. So any tiny bump in his day and he responded with screaming and violence. Which was every single day while I was growing up. My mother would respond with anxiety, panic, and depression and my father would scream and isolate himself.

And here I was this tiny little girl. Quiet and shy. Wanting to please everyone and do good. I walked on egg shells beginning at 4 years old. I was the little adult in the house at 30 lbs. I thought I had to keep mom from crying and drag her out of bed in the mornings. I thought I had to keep dad from getting angry. And I thought I had to keep my brother from getting upset and getting physically violent.

And when the screaming got to be too much and I got scared and overwhelmed I would hide in my closet for hours until it was over or until I’d cried myself to sleep. While I was in the closet I would pretend that when I woke up everything would be better. I would have found a way to fix my brother and everyone would be happy. Or I would imagine a future for myself where I was married to man that loved me and we had our own family and we were happy this time. But most of all I hoped that someone, anyone would walk upstairs and find me in the closet hiding. I wanted so desperately for someone to show me what I didn’t know – that I was important, that I mattered, and that I was loved. But never in my childhood did anyone ever come looking for me. And that has been a scar I have tried to heal for over 20 years.

That little girl is still with me today. You see when we experience trauma a part of ourselves breaks off and stops developing. A part of us remains on pause developmentally, emotionally, and spiritually. That part of us comes back up when we experience triggers that resonate with our trauma.  

So when I get the tiniest of inklings that someone is going to leave me or abandon me, little Alison absolutely freaks out. I freak out.  She gets scared, panics, and over reacts. I write these stories in my head and just become miserably, painfully afraid and lonely. All the closet feelings bubble back up again at full force. And she makes being in a relationship so difficult and exhausting at times. She’s always on the look out and expecting to be abandoned. At my core I struggle to believe I am truly lovable or good enough for anyone to see me as important and stick around.

All little Alison ever wanted was to be loved and cared for but did I treat her with compassion? No.  I saw her as a problem for the large portion of my life. Something to be suppressed or rid of. Because she brings with her difficult and unwanted feelings.

But this is really ultimately her story. A story of healing. My story of loving and accepting the most hurt part of me. The greatest part of me. Her. The part I need to be complete. She carries both my darkness and my light. She is the bravest part of me. The little 5 year old that dared to have hope and never gives up.

Jesus tells us to love our enemies. So what if our enemy is the most hurt part of ourselves? What if he is asking us to extend grace and love not only to others but to ourselves?

So, I never thought I’d be sharing my dating life as part of a sermon at church but here it goes. If pastor Todd talked about Chinese jacks I can talk about boys. I mean God works in mysterious ways, right? In October I started seeing this guy. We hit it off pretty quickly. He seemed to really like me. He seemed to be serious about me. Fairly quickly we had the relationship talk and decided to see one another exclusively. While I was excited about it, I couldn’t seem to shake my anxiety. The anxiety was pretty intense honestly. I had this awful feeling that he was going change his mind about me and leave and that we hasn’t going to stick around. Which is pretty much how I experience all people in my life. So that feeling was nothing new. And neither was my response to the situation. Per my usual self, I sensed him pulling away. I followed my same old pattern. I panicked. Played out worst case scenario stories in my head. I called and texted him. Then I word vomited my fears all over him in a fairly excessive and unattractive manner. It definitely wasn’t my best look.

I certainly displayed my “weaker” side. Anyway his response was to hang up the phone irritated I had bothered him. I felt ashamed and humiliated. I berated myself for letting little Alison out. I’d lost control of her. The next day when I hadn’t heard from him, I texted him. I apologized for being crazy and he responded by saying he didn’t like that I’d emotionally unloaded on him and he needed some space. He said he wasn’t sure if I was ready for a serious relationship. He never made an effort to talk about it and I cried for a week. Once again little Alison had sabotaged me.  I really really hated myself that week. I mean I loathed myself. I couldn’t believe that what I had working on for so long had reared it’s ugly head. I yet again was wondering “why do I still feel this way? Why aren’t I over this yet? What’s wrong with me?” I was in a full on war with myself again.

So as God would have it, I had a counseling session that week. I’ve been in counseling for 8 years and I’ve never let it out the way I did that day. I cried. I broke down like I hadn’t before. I told God in the session that what I wanted and needed more than anything was someone who loved me. Someone who cared about me. Someone who believed that I mattered. Someone who loved me just the way that I am. It took a lot to admit it out loud how desperately alone I really felt. How badly I wanted to be loved. And then I heard God say “I do.”

Everything in my life started to change that day. It’s like everything started to fall beautifully into place. I’m not going to say the pain went away because it hasn’t completely. But here’s the thing, this time I decided have compassion for little Alison – compassion for myself.

I’ve begun to understand that when challenging emotions come to us we can frame them as little lost children knocking at our door asking to come inside. They are asking to be seen and allowed in. They are asking to be held. I decided to let her be sad and scared. I decided to try to love this little girl who had been through so much pain and hurt.  I began to love the girl who just wanted to be loved and cared for and to play and dance and laugh. I learned that I heal with my heart and not with my mind. Looking back on it I realized that she sees things that I don’t. She knew that man could never love her the way she deserved to be loved.

A few days later, I shared with a friend of mine all the feelings of hurt, self loathing, anxiety, and loneliness that had resurfaced. She’s a very wise person with a great deal of love and tenderness. She also never tries to rescue people from their pain. She allows others the freedom to experience what is theirs.

She suggested that I meditate on the experience of myself as a 5 year old angel resting on God’s knee. So I visualized myself in this way on God’s lap as he rocked back and forth while reading me Good Night Moon. I felt God’s warmth and love. I felt his presence and the heart beat in his chest. I felt my innocence, purity, and child like curiosity. I felt my need to be loved and cared for. I felt the safety and unconditional love of God. I felt healing and my wholeness. I felt and understood that my core being is love and light. I understood that I had been beautifully and wonderfully made in God’s image and that the holy spirit dwells wonderfully inside of me.

You see in our humanness we struggle to see what we really are. We get stuck in this “broken” and “not okay” mentality. The irony being that we are broken because we can’t seem to remember what we truly are. We hear every Sunday how much God loves us, but it never seems to sink in. It sits on our shoulders is so easily brushed off. It remains a tiny little thought bubble in our brains that never seems  to move into our heart, body or our being.

The way I see it, God is the most powerful force that we will ever know. God is everything. God is limitless. God is the ultimate creator of all. What could be better than to be unconditionally loved by the most powerful being that is? The most powerful being that is the universe? What could be more powerful and more beautiful than to be unconditionally loved by God? That is what you are. And that is where the answer is. You can hold anything and everything that the world gives to you. Whether it be painful or pleasurable. Because you are created and loved by the most powerful force that is. And that makes you a beautiful light in this world. 

God holds us and loves us in our hurt exactly as we are. He does not destroy parts of us. Only us humans attempt to do that and live in those concepts. God extends love and grace to our hurt and to our enemies. And often we believe the enemy is inside of us. He sees every part of us as worthy of love and holds it all. I am finally learning to give myself the love, compassion, and grace I had been afraid to provide myself for years. And it’s okay that I was afraid. The fear and the hurt was teaching me – challenging me to find what I am.

I think that maybe Heavens language of love looks different than our earthly conception of love. Maybe as human’s we’ve limited what love looks and feels like. Maybe love doesn’t always look and feel warm and fuzzy. Perhaps God’s language of love includes even the most challenging emotions. And because of that I found the love and compassion for myself. And I found them exactly when I was meant to. Every part of my story – the excruciating hurt and the abundant love has been beautiful and perfect.

Daring to Live a Wholehearted and Balanced Life

This is a motivational talk I gave in the Fall of 2016 inspired by my own personal experiences, my work as a counselor, and Brene Brown's research on shame and vulnerability. I hope you take something away from it!

So it’s no secret that life balance is a struggle in our culture. We live in a “do it all,” “be it all” and “do it the best” culture. We also live in a culture that prides itself on being busy and being tired. We often get the message - If you aren’t busy then you must not be enough. There is a certain level of judgment we seem have for people that find themselves with free time and less commitments. We pride ourselves on being too busy with full and overwhelmed calendars. There’s a shame we carry when we admit we have free time to relax or that it’s a Saturday night and we have nothing to do or a week night and we aren’t caught up in activities.  I have to wonder how we got that way?

My theory is that in our society – particularly in wealthier societies we have come to interpret worth as what we do and how perfectly we do it. We idealize perfection and “success." Whatever “success” is. The problem is I don’t ever remember Jesus talking about success or our worth coming from jobs, cars, fit bit steps, yoga, or pinterest cakes.

So, I’m going to talk a little bit about where I believe the root of our life balance struggle comes from. And we can’t talk about life balance without talking about perfectionism.

By it’s very nature perfection is unattainable. It’s the carrot dangling in front you that you wont ever reach, but you’ll still drive yourself into the ground going for it. Perfectionism is a black hole with unreachable expectations. Perfectionism is not about being your best or improving yourself. But it is about trying to control perception in attempt to shield ourselves from judgment and shame. Though we like to tell ourselves we are just striving for self-improvement. That’s dangerous little lie we tell ourselves. Perfection is all about how we want to appear to others. In fact research shows that perfectionism actually hinders success and creates fear that keeps us from taking risks and seeing the good in ourselves and what we have done. It paralyzes us with fear, separates us from others, and tells us not to take risks because we might be ashamed.

I think a quote that expresses the sentiment of perfectionism well is from Brene Brown when she said, “Perfectionism didn’t lead to results. It led to peanut butter.” For me it’s frozen pizza and cheesecake. But I think she’s right on the money. Perfectionism doesn’t propel us towards the best version of ourselves. It leads us to a paralyzing place of anxiety, depression, isolation, and unhealthy habits that keep us from feeling good about ourselves, experiencing peace, and reaching for what we truly want from life.

We have set ourselves up for a disaster this way. We are anxious, depressed, isolated, exhausted, addicted, and over eating. I don’t know about you, but sometimes I feel like everyday is a constant battle to measure up to society’s unattainable standards and be good enough for everybody else. And it feels exhausting. I think to myself - Maybe if I look pretty in my dress like Taylor Swift, look just right – you know not too fat but not too skinny, be toned but not too muscular, look sexy but not like I’m asking for it. Maybe if I make enough money but of course not too much, be smart but not too smart, be religious but don’t be a freak, be conservative but don’t be boring, be honest but don’t make anyone uncomfortable - then things will be good. Maybe if I can navigate these expectations, I’ll feel good enough then. People will accept me. I will be lovable and belong.

So even if we can identify where this “do it all” culture originates from. Were all just hustling ourselves to find worth.  Were all just playing the unwinnable game with ourselves- the “I’ll be worthy when… You fill in the blank.” But how do we go about curing this epidemic?

I think the first thing to remember is our self worth has always been there. We’ve never needed to hustle for it. We don’t create worth from our actions. That’s an illusion we’ve created in our mind. Our worth doesn’t come from something we do or don’t do, say or don’t say. We can’t earn worth through our actions, jobs or relationships. Our worth comes from God and only God.

We have been and always will be worthy.

We have been and always will be good enough. 

You have have been and always will be worthy.

You have been and always will be good enough.  

So, let me say it again – You are worthy. You are good enough. You matter.

A lawn that goes untrimmed or a pay cut at work won’t change that. Your muffin top will not change that. Your kid screaming at their teacher or doing drugs won’t change that. And teenagers - not making the best grade in the class or missing the cut for the top 10% is not going to change that. We have to stop looking at ourselves through this lens of who is bad and who is good. And instead accept who we really are- beings unconditionally loved by God that have been wonderfully made in his image. Beings in whom the greater holy spirit lives, and beings so loved that they have been given the beautiful gift of grace just as they are. I do not believe there is such a thing as a bad person. God does not see bad people, only unhelpful behaviors that we make along the way in our honest attempts to get through this difficult life.

With all the messages we get everyday its no wonder we think and struggle the way we do. No wonder we hustle. Did you know that each of us are exposed to over 3,000 adds per day? That is 3,000 adds per day telling you what you need to be acceptable and belong. That’s just daunting. That doesn’t even include the messages I get on facebook or pinterest when I compare myself to someone’s best day, 99th photo shopped selfie or engagement photos. It’s a pretty common occurrence I compare someone else’s facebook highlight to my brownie and Netflix binge on the couch with my cat.

On some days the shame seems to get the best of me. My therapist coping skills take a back seat and I feel rejected and I wonder “Why am I still single?” What is wrong with me? And I wonder if “maybe I’m just unlovable.” At this point I start hustling even harder. I exercise more, straighten my hair more often, read more self help books, and move in with my friend anxiety.  I begin my run on the perpetual hamster wheel. Shame has taken over.

We’ve all been there. We all experience shame whether we can identify it or not. Shame is that intensely painful feeling of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. We’ve all hustled to fit in, feel important, and be good enough. Most of us have exhausted ourselves in the process by looking to reach one meaningless expectation after another.

The good news is that if we can begin to identify shame we have a choice. We can choose to practice vulnerability. That’s a courageous practice and it isn’t easy. Especially for men who live in a world where the very clear expectation is “do not be weak” and “be a man” and definitely don’t ever let them see you cry. Certainly for a man it would appear much less risky to work longer hours and make more money than to be vulnerable and admit you feel lonely, powerless, inferior, helpless, or unloved. Working with male addicts gave me insight into just how entrenched we are in the idea that to be vulnerable is to be weak. It took me months to convince them that to be vulnerable is a courageous and healthy action. But once they began to transform their understanding of vulnerability and openness they were excited and hopeful about their discovery.

I saw them transform their treatment of themselves. They began to treat themselves more kindly and compassionately. Acknowledging shame and practicing vulnerability curbs our need to numb ourselves with drugs. It is a practice in experiencing emotions and talking about them instead. Now while many of us don’t turn to drugs we often do turn to food, television, shopping, caffeine, pornography, or busying ourselves into oblivion.  And sadly a lot of us, particularly our teenagers will turn to self-harm. Research shows that about a third of teens will engage in some form of self harm such as cutting. And according to the CDC 8% of high school students attempt suicide and 17% seriously consider it. Those statistics are too dangerous to be ignored. We need to take our worth problem seriously.

So, how do we combat shame and practice vulnerability and resilience? How can we take back our life? It is a practice! First, we have to identify what shame feels like and what shame says to us. For me shame is this warm bubble that starts in my chest and moves on up. It’s a heaviness in my shoulders and a pang of self loathing and sting of anxiety. The second I feel the sensation I want to push it away. Shame says things to me like:

“Alison, you’re such an embarrassment. Why would you do that? Why would you say that?!”

“Alison, he would never be interested in you. You’re obviously not pretty enough.”

“Alison, if you share the truth about yourself, then people aren’t going to accept you.”

“Alison, people don’t really like you. They are just trying not to hurt you’re feelings.”

“Alison people are always going to leave you. You aren’t important to them.”

“Alison, you wont be good enough until ______________ fill in the blank.”

And that’s the short version.

The thing is that Brene Brown’s research shows us that we all have shame, we don’t like to talk about it, and the less we talk about it the more we have it. The only way to conquer shame is to address it head on. Shame loves isolation. Shame loves secrecy and shame loves the dark. It lives there.

That’s where vulnerability comes in. What we are really looking for when we display vulnerability and authenticity and open up to people is for validation. We want them to truly hear us, listen and say, “I hear you. Me too. You are not alone. I’ve been there too. I see you and I still love and accept you.” This is an beautiful and compassionate message to receive from the people around us. It helps us to fight shame when we know that we are not alone and that we are lovable. This is why it’s so important for us to be able to identify safe people in our lives to share with and open up to. Safe people listen and empathize. They don’t judge or find blame. They don’t one-up us or increase our shame.

Our safe people also encourage compassion and encourage us to refuel on the days that we’ve just had it. We’ve all had the days and weeks when it has just been too much. The bank accounts low, there’s screaming in the house, you’ve put on 15 lbs, you forgot to sign a permission slip for your child, and the dogs peeing on the floor. We need to give ourselves permission to me be messy. We need to give ourselves permission to cry. We need to give ourselves permission to truly rest. A joyful, mindful, and life-giving rest. Not the rest where you’re perusing facebook mindlessly or watching Netflix all the while giving yourself the guilt trip about how you should actually be cleaning the house or paying the bills. That’s not restful. 

Wholehearted living says I am worthy of relaxation and enjoyment. It’s okay to be a hot mess today. I don’t have to push through on days where all I want to do is break down. It’s okay to take a break. It is good to take a break. God even tells us this. It’s odd to me how that was one of the first things in the bible and how little we pay attention to it.  Challenge yourself to cultivate life giving rest into your life.

A useful thing to ask yourself and your family may be “When things are going well in my life and I feel joyful what does it look like? What am I doing?”

I can almost guarantee you aren’t doing 60 hour work weeks or chugging coffee. When I place my focus on ensuring I reach certain “success” points such as making a certain amount of money, looking a certain way, being in a relationship, or getting the right job I make myself miserable. My focus is on what I lack and what I think I “should” be in order to meet some fabricated standard I’ve created. What makes our life more joyful and meaningful are generally not found in these "success" points.

I know what I am proposing is scary. It can be terrifying opening up to others, letting go of perfection, and dropping our expectation of success. And we definitely don’t like to relinquish certainty and control. We want a guarantee that we will get what we want and that others will respond the way we want. We are uncomfortable sitting with uncertainty. We resist vulnerability because it exists in an uncertain space. We are afraid that others will see us and reject us and we won’t belong. But if we orchestrate and manipulate the perception others have of us are we really in a place of belonging? I think that’s the loneliest place of all. And we turn down the gift of being truly known and truly loved. If we only show 70% of who we are and hide the other 30% then we deny a huge part of ourselves the gift of love. We allow room for ourselves to think “well if that person only knew who I really am then they might not love me.” I want us to be able to say “That person knows everything about me. Even the parts I don’t like and that person still loves me.”

I imagine we all would like a quick step by step fix for shame and a manual for vulnerability. But unfortunately there is no easy out with shame. Were not likely going to go from hustling for perfectionism one day to carefree wholehearted living the next. We have to go through it and be present in those uncomfortable feelings and confusion. But we can do this together in community. We can be courageous, vulnerable, imperfect, and messy together. We can provide a safe space of acceptance for one another when we take the time to be present with one another, listen, and to say “me too.”  We can support one another in this journey by being vulnerable and being honest about our fears, struggle, hurt, and shame. When we practice authenticity and vulnerability it gives others permission to be imperfect and messy as well. And that is a freeing experience and beautiful gift.  We see the humanness in one another and our sameness instead of the facade we attempt to create through control and perfectionism.

For me, the greatest gift has been when I have reached out to someone and they took the time to listen and empathize with me. It brings the darkness of my life into the light. And being accepted and loved in those terrifying and painful moments helped me to understand I am okay. I am good enough. I am lovable just the way I am.

So I say, let's do this. Let us bring shame into the light where it cannot survive. Let us leave behind damaging expectations and live imperfectly courageously. Let your messy show. Let us embrace life giving rest. Let us remember that we are all beautifully and wonderfully made. Let us know in our heart that we are lovable, worthy, and important. Let us dare to live a wholehearted life.