This is a motivational talk I gave in the Fall of 2016 inspired by my own personal experiences, my work as a counselor, and Brene Brown's research on shame and vulnerability. I hope you take something away from it!
So it’s no secret that life balance is a struggle in our culture. We live in a “do it all,” “be it all” and “do it the best” culture. We also live in a culture that prides itself on being busy and being tired. We often get the message - If you aren’t busy then you must not be enough. There is a certain level of judgment we seem have for people that find themselves with free time and less commitments. We pride ourselves on being too busy with full and overwhelmed calendars. There’s a shame we carry when we admit we have free time to relax or that it’s a Saturday night and we have nothing to do or a week night and we aren’t caught up in activities. I have to wonder how we got that way?
My theory is that in our society – particularly in wealthier societies we have come to interpret worth as what we do and how perfectly we do it. We idealize perfection and “success." Whatever “success” is. The problem is I don’t ever remember Jesus talking about success or our worth coming from jobs, cars, fit bit steps, yoga, or pinterest cakes.
So, I’m going to talk a little bit about where I believe the root of our life balance struggle comes from. And we can’t talk about life balance without talking about perfectionism.
By it’s very nature perfection is unattainable. It’s the carrot dangling in front you that you wont ever reach, but you’ll still drive yourself into the ground going for it. Perfectionism is a black hole with unreachable expectations. Perfectionism is not about being your best or improving yourself. But it is about trying to control perception in attempt to shield ourselves from judgment and shame. Though we like to tell ourselves we are just striving for self-improvement. That’s dangerous little lie we tell ourselves. Perfection is all about how we want to appear to others. In fact research shows that perfectionism actually hinders success and creates fear that keeps us from taking risks and seeing the good in ourselves and what we have done. It paralyzes us with fear, separates us from others, and tells us not to take risks because we might be ashamed.
I think a quote that expresses the sentiment of perfectionism well is from Brene Brown when she said, “Perfectionism didn’t lead to results. It led to peanut butter.” For me it’s frozen pizza and cheesecake. But I think she’s right on the money. Perfectionism doesn’t propel us towards the best version of ourselves. It leads us to a paralyzing place of anxiety, depression, isolation, and unhealthy habits that keep us from feeling good about ourselves, experiencing peace, and reaching for what we truly want from life.
We have set ourselves up for a disaster this way. We are anxious, depressed, isolated, exhausted, addicted, and over eating. I don’t know about you, but sometimes I feel like everyday is a constant battle to measure up to society’s unattainable standards and be good enough for everybody else. And it feels exhausting. I think to myself - Maybe if I look pretty in my dress like Taylor Swift, look just right – you know not too fat but not too skinny, be toned but not too muscular, look sexy but not like I’m asking for it. Maybe if I make enough money but of course not too much, be smart but not too smart, be religious but don’t be a freak, be conservative but don’t be boring, be honest but don’t make anyone uncomfortable - then things will be good. Maybe if I can navigate these expectations, I’ll feel good enough then. People will accept me. I will be lovable and belong.
So even if we can identify where this “do it all” culture originates from. Were all just hustling ourselves to find worth. Were all just playing the unwinnable game with ourselves- the “I’ll be worthy when… You fill in the blank.” But how do we go about curing this epidemic?
I think the first thing to remember is our self worth has always been there. We’ve never needed to hustle for it. We don’t create worth from our actions. That’s an illusion we’ve created in our mind. Our worth doesn’t come from something we do or don’t do, say or don’t say. We can’t earn worth through our actions, jobs or relationships. Our worth comes from God and only God.
We have been and always will be worthy.
We have been and always will be good enough.
You have have been and always will be worthy.
You have been and always will be good enough.
So, let me say it again – You are worthy. You are good enough. You matter.
A lawn that goes untrimmed or a pay cut at work won’t change that. Your muffin top will not change that. Your kid screaming at their teacher or doing drugs won’t change that. And teenagers - not making the best grade in the class or missing the cut for the top 10% is not going to change that. We have to stop looking at ourselves through this lens of who is bad and who is good. And instead accept who we really are- beings unconditionally loved by God that have been wonderfully made in his image. Beings in whom the greater holy spirit lives, and beings so loved that they have been given the beautiful gift of grace just as they are. I do not believe there is such a thing as a bad person. God does not see bad people, only unhelpful behaviors that we make along the way in our honest attempts to get through this difficult life.
With all the messages we get everyday its no wonder we think and struggle the way we do. No wonder we hustle. Did you know that each of us are exposed to over 3,000 adds per day? That is 3,000 adds per day telling you what you need to be acceptable and belong. That’s just daunting. That doesn’t even include the messages I get on facebook or pinterest when I compare myself to someone’s best day, 99th photo shopped selfie or engagement photos. It’s a pretty common occurrence I compare someone else’s facebook highlight to my brownie and Netflix binge on the couch with my cat.
On some days the shame seems to get the best of me. My therapist coping skills take a back seat and I feel rejected and I wonder “Why am I still single?” What is wrong with me? And I wonder if “maybe I’m just unlovable.” At this point I start hustling even harder. I exercise more, straighten my hair more often, read more self help books, and move in with my friend anxiety. I begin my run on the perpetual hamster wheel. Shame has taken over.
We’ve all been there. We all experience shame whether we can identify it or not. Shame is that intensely painful feeling of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. We’ve all hustled to fit in, feel important, and be good enough. Most of us have exhausted ourselves in the process by looking to reach one meaningless expectation after another.
The good news is that if we can begin to identify shame we have a choice. We can choose to practice vulnerability. That’s a courageous practice and it isn’t easy. Especially for men who live in a world where the very clear expectation is “do not be weak” and “be a man” and definitely don’t ever let them see you cry. Certainly for a man it would appear much less risky to work longer hours and make more money than to be vulnerable and admit you feel lonely, powerless, inferior, helpless, or unloved. Working with male addicts gave me insight into just how entrenched we are in the idea that to be vulnerable is to be weak. It took me months to convince them that to be vulnerable is a courageous and healthy action. But once they began to transform their understanding of vulnerability and openness they were excited and hopeful about their discovery.
I saw them transform their treatment of themselves. They began to treat themselves more kindly and compassionately. Acknowledging shame and practicing vulnerability curbs our need to numb ourselves with drugs. It is a practice in experiencing emotions and talking about them instead. Now while many of us don’t turn to drugs we often do turn to food, television, shopping, caffeine, pornography, or busying ourselves into oblivion. And sadly a lot of us, particularly our teenagers will turn to self-harm. Research shows that about a third of teens will engage in some form of self harm such as cutting. And according to the CDC 8% of high school students attempt suicide and 17% seriously consider it. Those statistics are too dangerous to be ignored. We need to take our worth problem seriously.
So, how do we combat shame and practice vulnerability and resilience? How can we take back our life? It is a practice! First, we have to identify what shame feels like and what shame says to us. For me shame is this warm bubble that starts in my chest and moves on up. It’s a heaviness in my shoulders and a pang of self loathing and sting of anxiety. The second I feel the sensation I want to push it away. Shame says things to me like:
“Alison, you’re such an embarrassment. Why would you do that? Why would you say that?!”
“Alison, he would never be interested in you. You’re obviously not pretty enough.”
“Alison, if you share the truth about yourself, then people aren’t going to accept you.”
“Alison, people don’t really like you. They are just trying not to hurt you’re feelings.”
“Alison people are always going to leave you. You aren’t important to them.”
“Alison, you wont be good enough until ______________ fill in the blank.”
And that’s the short version.
The thing is that Brene Brown’s research shows us that we all have shame, we don’t like to talk about it, and the less we talk about it the more we have it. The only way to conquer shame is to address it head on. Shame loves isolation. Shame loves secrecy and shame loves the dark. It lives there.
That’s where vulnerability comes in. What we are really looking for when we display vulnerability and authenticity and open up to people is for validation. We want them to truly hear us, listen and say, “I hear you. Me too. You are not alone. I’ve been there too. I see you and I still love and accept you.” This is an beautiful and compassionate message to receive from the people around us. It helps us to fight shame when we know that we are not alone and that we are lovable. This is why it’s so important for us to be able to identify safe people in our lives to share with and open up to. Safe people listen and empathize. They don’t judge or find blame. They don’t one-up us or increase our shame.
Our safe people also encourage compassion and encourage us to refuel on the days that we’ve just had it. We’ve all had the days and weeks when it has just been too much. The bank accounts low, there’s screaming in the house, you’ve put on 15 lbs, you forgot to sign a permission slip for your child, and the dogs peeing on the floor. We need to give ourselves permission to me be messy. We need to give ourselves permission to cry. We need to give ourselves permission to truly rest. A joyful, mindful, and life-giving rest. Not the rest where you’re perusing facebook mindlessly or watching Netflix all the while giving yourself the guilt trip about how you should actually be cleaning the house or paying the bills. That’s not restful.
Wholehearted living says I am worthy of relaxation and enjoyment. It’s okay to be a hot mess today. I don’t have to push through on days where all I want to do is break down. It’s okay to take a break. It is good to take a break. God even tells us this. It’s odd to me how that was one of the first things in the bible and how little we pay attention to it. Challenge yourself to cultivate life giving rest into your life.
A useful thing to ask yourself and your family may be “When things are going well in my life and I feel joyful what does it look like? What am I doing?”
I can almost guarantee you aren’t doing 60 hour work weeks or chugging coffee. When I place my focus on ensuring I reach certain “success” points such as making a certain amount of money, looking a certain way, being in a relationship, or getting the right job I make myself miserable. My focus is on what I lack and what I think I “should” be in order to meet some fabricated standard I’ve created. What makes our life more joyful and meaningful are generally not found in these "success" points.
I know what I am proposing is scary. It can be terrifying opening up to others, letting go of perfection, and dropping our expectation of success. And we definitely don’t like to relinquish certainty and control. We want a guarantee that we will get what we want and that others will respond the way we want. We are uncomfortable sitting with uncertainty. We resist vulnerability because it exists in an uncertain space. We are afraid that others will see us and reject us and we won’t belong. But if we orchestrate and manipulate the perception others have of us are we really in a place of belonging? I think that’s the loneliest place of all. And we turn down the gift of being truly known and truly loved. If we only show 70% of who we are and hide the other 30% then we deny a huge part of ourselves the gift of love. We allow room for ourselves to think “well if that person only knew who I really am then they might not love me.” I want us to be able to say “That person knows everything about me. Even the parts I don’t like and that person still loves me.”
I imagine we all would like a quick step by step fix for shame and a manual for vulnerability. But unfortunately there is no easy out with shame. Were not likely going to go from hustling for perfectionism one day to carefree wholehearted living the next. We have to go through it and be present in those uncomfortable feelings and confusion. But we can do this together in community. We can be courageous, vulnerable, imperfect, and messy together. We can provide a safe space of acceptance for one another when we take the time to be present with one another, listen, and to say “me too.” We can support one another in this journey by being vulnerable and being honest about our fears, struggle, hurt, and shame. When we practice authenticity and vulnerability it gives others permission to be imperfect and messy as well. And that is a freeing experience and beautiful gift. We see the humanness in one another and our sameness instead of the facade we attempt to create through control and perfectionism.
For me, the greatest gift has been when I have reached out to someone and they took the time to listen and empathize with me. It brings the darkness of my life into the light. And being accepted and loved in those terrifying and painful moments helped me to understand I am okay. I am good enough. I am lovable just the way I am.
So I say, let's do this. Let us bring shame into the light where it cannot survive. Let us leave behind damaging expectations and live imperfectly courageously. Let your messy show. Let us embrace life giving rest. Let us remember that we are all beautifully and wonderfully made. Let us know in our heart that we are lovable, worthy, and important. Let us dare to live a wholehearted life.